Siblings are fighting - how to resolve conflicts?

What to do when a child is fighting – this is a question often asked by helpless parents. Why do children fight , argue, and scream? Is it normal for siblings to fight ? Should fighting or arguing children be separated, and if so, how ? If these dilemmas are familiar to you, read these tips based on current psychological knowledge and experience working with children.

There are situations when parents don't know what to do or how to react when siblings raise their hand. Even small children can become angry, scream, hit, and stomp their feet. Children who argue or fight behave this way because they are experiencing negative emotions and don't know how to deal with them constructively. Aggression between siblings isn't a cause for major concern and doesn't necessarily indicate pathological patterns learned from the family home. A child has the right to experience anger, frustration, or dissatisfaction. Who, if not their parents, will show them how to cope with these feelings? Adults have a responsibility to convey that besides shouting and arguments, there are other acceptable ways to relieve tension, such as conversation, pleading, compromise, and negotiation. So how should we react when our children fight, and should we intervene when siblings argue?

Why the children are fighting i are arguing? 

Aggression in young children can have various causes. It most often stems from the frustration a child feels when they can't achieve their goals – this is called instrumental aggression. Hostile aggression, on the other hand, is directed at inflicting pain on another person and is most often motivated by revenge, a desire for retaliation, or dominance . It intensifies in preschool-aged children. Why does aggression in the form of arguments and fighting occur between siblings, as well as between children who spend a lot of time together?

1. They are trying get the attention of adults.
2. They can not deal with negative emotionswith which they try to show their independence and independence. At the same time, they do not realize how a kick, punch or poke hurts.
3. They beat because they have sense of injustice - in a situation where mum or dad uses spanking as a parenting method, the child will also choose the hitting tactic, according to the "eye for an eye" principle.
4. They copy the occurrences in the family pathological behavior in the family - if the parents shout at each other and challenge each other instead of talking to each other, or even make blows, the child will imitate them.

What to do when a child is beating?

Only those involved in a relationship have influence. So what is a parent's role when tensions, arguments, or fights arise between children, especially brothers and sisters? How should we react when siblings argue and fight? The most important thing is to maintain composure while also demonstrating understanding and patience. We mustn't allow ourselves to be provoked into reacting aggressively—this only fuels a spiral of anger.

Expert advises

Only when there is nothing in common between children, there are no conflicts between children. This is rather impossible for siblings brought up together who live under the same roof with a common family. The truth is, it is impossible to avoid quarrels between children because they have a living relationship.

Joanna Pruban

Psychologist, pedagogue and specialist in psycho-oncology, Department of Oncology and Oncological Surgery for Children and Adolescents, Institute of Mother and Child

Quarreling children: competition and communicating needs

Although it can be frustrating, many parents make efforts to minimize tensions between their children. Unfortunately, it often feels like tilting at windmills. A kind of "rivalry" enters sibling relationships. It has nothing to do with eliminating an enemy or making their brother or sister worse off. Such a situation should be viewed from the perspective of needs. What needs is the child trying to address using available strategies (e.g., seeking parental attention, being noticed, heard, and included)? In a quarrel with a brother or sister, the child may be trying to take care of themselves, to signal to their parents that they need something. It's important to remember that younger children are often very sensitive to their own unmet needs. As children get older, it becomes increasingly easier to consider their brother or sister's needs, but for toddlers, this can be difficult.

How NOT to respond to fighting children?

Sometimes parents feel like their children simply enjoy arguing and fight for no apparent reason. Even the smallest thing (completely insignificant from the parent's perspective) can trigger a fight. Children then disregard words, or even gestures, which is difficult for adults to tolerate. Sometimes, parents interpret their siblings' aggression as anger, which will escalate and lead to a breakdown in their relationship . Therefore, many parents intervene, saying things like:

• Don't argue, you are siblings.
• I can't hear you yell at each other anymore.
• If you keep arguing with your brother, you don't love him.
• You can't do these things to your sister.
• Either you guys stop arguing right now, or I'm taking all the toys. 

It is worth asking ourselves what prompts us as parents to intervene in this way and why it is so difficult for us to bear it when our children argue.

The siblings are fighting and arguing: does he need a judge?

Jasper Juul recommends that you say to your children:

“I hear you two arguing loudly, I have a headache, I want to rest, I need peace and quiet, etc., so please argue quietly .”

At times, all parents have to do when a sibling quarrel breaks out is to make sure that the sounds disturb the neighbors as little as possible, and to find something to do to avoid the temptation to meddle and allow the children to come to a resolution on their own. Adults usually treat every child's quarrel as a situation that their children cannot cope with on their own, but only harm each other. They then take the role of judge, judging who started and whose fault it was - and in effect they take the side of one of the arguing children. In this way, the parent takes responsibility for resolving the dispute, letting their children know that they do not believe they can cope with a difficult situation, so they have to rely on someone else to decide for them. Instead of teaching them independence, he shows them shortcuts.

Expert advises

After the parent acting from the position of the judge has decided the case, one of the children will feel aggrieved, unaccepted, rejected and deprived of help. He begins to blame the brother or sister the parent has sided with. Then the least desirable scenario may occur: a growing sense of injustice will begin to threaten sibling relationships.

Joanna Pruban

Psychologist, pedagogue and specialist in psycho-oncology, Department of Oncology and Oncological Surgery for Children and Adolescents, Institute of Mother and Child

What do children learn in conflict?

Sibling conflict is a common phenomenon. Children argue as a way to protect their property (e.g., toys) , assert their opinions, and ensure their needs are met . Siblings also compete for their parents' love, attention, and time. Furthermore, children feel jealousy, resentment, and frustration over their brother's or sister's success, talents, or privileges. Although almost anything can trigger a quarrel, it's crucial to recognize when siblings begin to wage a regular war. Conflicts, provided they don't drag on endlessly, are also essential for children's development. Siblings learn many valuable skills during this time.

• They agree rules and principles, concerning, for example, having fun together, although it often takes place in a stormy manner.
• They learn how negotiate and compromise.
• They learn assertiveness - taking care of yourself, your limits, needs and autonomy.
• They find that others also set limits and where these boundaries lie.
• They learn social and relational competences.

How can a parent help with a sibling conflict?

It's already common knowledge that the worst thing happens when mom or dad becomes the judge between siblings. A parent's role in a quarrel or fight is primarily to be present, doing as little as possible . A parent should:

1. Want to care for each of the children equally.
2. Don't judge (that is, do not assume that we know best what happened in a given situation).
3. Do not act immediately or in a hurry.
4. Become a mediator, i.e. be impartial and support children at the same time.

Parents don't have to immediately intervene when children fight or argue. Arguments and squabbles don't automatically mean there's something wrong between siblings . They're an integral part of everyday life and sibling relationships.

Like it is in the family

The larger the family, the greater the number of interactions between its members, which in turn increases the risk of tension and misunderstandings. Sometimes, even the needs of those closest to each other conflict, and attempts to meet them can lead to conflict . Fortunately, as children grow and learn to get along, misunderstandings and arguments between them should become less frequent.

Author

Joanna Pruban

Psychologist, pedagogue and specialist in psycho-oncology, Department of Oncology and Oncological Surgery for Children and Adolescents, Institute of Mother and Child