Sexual orientation: how to talk to your child about it?
To discuss the topic of sexuality and sexual orientation, you must first ask yourself - am I, as an adult, parent or guardian, ready for such a conversation? The subject is very intimate, it concerns an essential sphere of human life, and in the case of young people it can cause embarrassment, anxiety and fear.
In order to talk to a child about sexuality, whatever the topic, an adult should be open to listening, to the questions asked, and to be calm and tolerant of differences and otherness existing in society.
Social view of sexual orientations
Sexual orientation is, on the one hand, romantic attraction, and on the other, sexual attraction towards women, men, or both sexes. Heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual orientations are treated as variants of existing human sexuality. Life, for each of us, is perceived subjectively. It is also felt and experienced. Sexuality (and its various spheres) can also be understood differently. When children begin to speak, they also begin to ask about sexuality. The most frequently asked questions concern first the names of the body, and then the functions of the organs. Adults consider the topic difficult, while for a child, it is as obvious as noticing differences in skin or hair color.
Moving forward, children ask about intimacy and love. The topic of sexual differences, the children's questions and the adults' answers, becomes a 'difficult' one. And a child needs a specific definition – there are girls who fall in love with girls and boys who love boys. A young person is just discovering the world. In such a situation, a parent or the closest adult becomes an authority figure and a source of initial knowledge.
Expert advises
If we, adults, treat the world in a hostile manner, with prejudices, then probably a peer who beat a friend because of skin color or disability does so because such values were passed on to him by his parents. Deducing further - it is also worth talking to children about sexuality, or about the fact that there are homosexual couples. From an early age, a child should be aware that it should softly build the image of a multitude of attitudes, relationships and life perspectives. It is worth providing the child with information about nature, nature, man and the world, thus showing all the diversity of this world. By describing the differences in skin colors, differences in appearance, but also revealing that people also fall in love with different people, with a man of the same sex. In this way, the world is presented to the child as it really is.
Homosexual child and the parent's behavior
A perspective that is hostile to difference causes much trauma and disrupts a child's sense of security if, at some point in their development, they discover they were born homosexual or bisexual. Parents faced with a homosexual child or teenager may wonder: " My son is gay, my daughter is lesbian – what should I do ?" A tolerant and open approach can be the basis for protecting young people from even attempting suicide, especially when they live amidst homophobic attitudes towards difference in their immediate environment.
Due to the lack of tolerance and misunderstanding of the subject of different orientations, young people experience problems - with decreased self-esteem, nervous tension, depression, and auto-aggressive behavior.
How to talk about sexual orientations?
It is very important to point out that homosexual people have the same life as heterosexual couples - they go to school, work, cinema, have their own interests, life problems, fall in love. In this way, the parent informs his or her heterosexual or homosexual child that there is only one difference in social life in terms of sexual orientations. It is mainly heterosexual people who do not experience discrimination because of their sexuality. People who love each other hold hands, hug in public places, without fear that they will be challenged or laughed at.
Expert advises
Gays and lesbians cannot count on such an open approach of society. Very often, homosexual or bisexual people become too sexualized, as if the prism of sexual intercourse was the main part of their life. It can be even more difficult for a growing child or teenager. There is even a stereotype that every gay and lesbian life revolves around sex. Meanwhile, this is only one aspect of a person's life - regardless of orientation.
Children are curious and are looking for an answer to the question of what sex is, so they will also be looking for an answer to the question about sex of homosexual couples. In every sphere of intimate life, adults find it difficult to answer the question, but it is easier for children to listen to this answer, regardless of age.
You can always answer that a man and a woman are in love, they hug each other, kiss, stroke each other and enjoy it. And this information is probably enough for a child.
How do I talk to my children about sexuality?
-
Only tell the truth
Children believe what they learn from their parents. It's incredibly important to tell the truth. Based on the information and words we convey, children develop an image of the world and beliefs about sexuality, the body, and gender. It's important to use the correct names for body parts – for girls and boys.
-
Speak in plain, intelligible language
When speaking with a child, it's always important to adapt all phrases and specific terminology to their age. A three-year-old won't delve into the details of a child's body structure, because the name and function of a given organ will be important to them. A five-year-old will consider such information too general, and by this age, they'll want to know, for example, what sperm are.
-
Adjust the length of speech according to age
Young children have a shorter attention span. In a conversation with a 3-year-old, a parent has 2-3 minutes to convey the most important information. Five-year-olds, on the other hand, will engage intently in the conversation, ask questions, and listen to the answers, focusing on a single topic for up to several minutes.
-
Use the help of books
Taking into account, of course, that the reading does not deprive the guardian of a real, attentive presence with the child during the conversation. The best book, with all its valuable content, is not able to replace the parent - his concerns, emotions, tone of voice in a conversation on very intimate topics, and so closely related to man and his sexual development.
Expert advises
Talking about sexuality should not only be about conveying factual information, dry facts. The child needs empathy with the topic during every conversation. On the basis of the parent's openness and willingness to engage in dialogue, the child builds a picture of how the parent adjusts to conversations about intimate topics and whether there is a real chance to talk to the parent about everything. From the timbre, tone of voice and the manner of conversation, a child creates its beliefs about human sexuality and its own beliefs. Each, even non-verbal, message influences the shaping of the child's attitude towards sexuality, towards their own body and towards the corporeality of other people.
-
Internal readiness to talk to the child about everything
Some questions may be uncomfortable for parents or asked at a difficult moment in an uncomfortable situation. Parental consternation, especially when children directly ask about sex or homosexual love, often comes down to reacting on the basis of a reflex that cuts the topic off.
When discussing difficult issues (difficult for parents as well, such as a homosexual child) , you need the comfort of time to calmly and deeply consider your own opinions, attitudes, and approaches to relationships, and sex. Then, when a teenager asks you a question, you won't have to second-guess the answer. Nor will you be disoriented when you discover your son is gay or your daughter is a lesbian . Instead of wondering what to do, you can build on the foundations you've already developed, building your answers from them.
At the moment when the parent formulates his statement based on his own beliefs and reflections, and accordingly shows his attitude towards people, then the child will learn the truest lesson, relating it to the parent's authority. In conversations with children, it is worth following them.
Difficult questions of a child and the reaction of the parent
When a topic puts forward by a child tops the list of "Top 10 Questions", it is probably the most interesting at the moment, and the child will pursue it until he or she feels fully satisfied with the knowledge gained.
Sexuality
In the case of sexuality, when a child begins to explore information about corporeality or sexuality, they may become very monotonous and introspective for a while. They typically ask similar questions about topics that are important to them, seek out content related to the topic, and inquire about details, only to eventually become saturated with knowledge and focus on another issue. It's worth persistently addressing a child's doubts, especially since the most valuable thing is that the child has actually addressed the issue to a parent – the child themselves.
Sexual orientation
In matters of sexual orientation, we, adults, remain a dilemma - what words to use and how much information should be given to the child, if he asks, searches for information, he needs our knowledge. On the one hand, children have the right to know, on the other - there may be a fear of accidental sexualization of children in their parents (especially when in the minds of parents, apart from such dilemmas, there are also concerns such as: "the son is gay, the daughter is a lesbian - what to do?" ).
Expert advises
You have to talk at home, because at home we have a chance to think together, to be calm and on time to explain the unnamed, difficult, etc. Talking about being different, about sexual differences cannot and will not be a one-off. A whole series of questions, dilemmas, lasting many years, concerning many examples, in response to many situations, will be the basis for the child's development in the area of developing sexuality. And that's it. Talking to a child about tolerance and diversity is also very developing for parents, as it may require additional knowledge. Such a conversation is partly a process, a positive experience of self-development and broadening one's horizons.
Parent's behavior and teenager's opinion
When it comes to parents of teenagers, we must be prepared that one day they will be the ones to say that a parent is doing or saying something racist, sexist, or homophobic. We certainly shouldn't dismiss a child's opinions or intuition, and we shouldn't deny them, but rather be open to information and criticism from our own children. Our daily actions and attitudes toward our children have enormous importance and the potential to shape reality and shape a child's perspective for the rest of their lives.
Author
