Relationship with a partner and a child — how to properly take care of the relationship?

Remember the days when you and your partner made plans for the future and your relationship was filled with tenderness? Now you have a child, and your relationship is completely different… Many couples experience a crisis in their marriage after the birth of a child , as new responsibilities, a lack of sleep, and time alone often lead to tension and misunderstandings. Is there a way to remedy this?

In this article, we'll show you how to rebuild closeness and get through the crisis in your relationship after having a baby, without giving up the joy of parenthood.

Why may a relationship arise? crisis after childbirth, is this normal?

It is estimated that up to about 70% of couples experience a crisis in their marriage after the birth of a child - the decline in marital satisfaction is most noticeable within 1 year after the birth of the first child, even if it was planned[1].

This is not surprising, as with the arrival of a new family member, a couple must learn to function in completely different circumstances. This represents a significant shift in priorities, but also a reorganization of every aspect of life—from household chores to intimacy. It's therefore natural that this period fosters conflict, which can lead to a post-baby crisis and a growing distance between partners.

Expert advises

Research on groups of parents suggests that if a couple had a good relationship before conception, the decline in relationship satisfaction after childbirth is smaller. If the relationship was experiencing a serious crisis before the baby's birth, the baby's arrival may exacerbate existing problems [1]. It's worth emphasizing that the level of relationship satisfaction after the birth is also correlated with individual circumstances of each parent, including personality traits, financial security, and life priorities (e.g., career vs. family orientation).

Joanna Pruban

Psychologist, pedagogue and specialist in psycho-oncology, Department of Oncology and Oncological Surgery for Children and Adolescents, Institute of Mother and Child

In such a context, seemingly minor misunderstandings can turn into a serious crisis in the marriage after the birth of a child, especially if there is a lack of open conversation and understanding of each other's needs between the partners.

Common problems of young mothers: rejection and sometimes even hate to your husband after the birth of a child?

Especially in women, hormonal changes after childbirth can exacerbate mood swings. On the one hand, there's a desire to be the "perfect mom" and partner, but on the other, fatigue, lack of sleep, and frustration increase, often fueled by social media, which often portrays images of "perfect" parents (often not entirely realistic). Many new mothers feel disappointed with their appearance, feelings, and their partner's attitude, which can ultimately lead to:

• PARTNER MOVEMENT INTO THE BACKGROUND

  Also referred to as postnatal husband rejection. A newborn naturally draws all of the mother's attention. The result? Postnatal husband rejection occurs , which isn't always intentional, but it deprives the father of a sense of closeness and importance in the family. Men often struggle to cope with the frustration this creates, leading to emotional coldness and even conflict.

• EXTREME EMOTIONS AND TENSIONS

  Hatred toward one's husband after the birth of a child—such strong, negative emotions can result from factors such as excessive responsibilities, lack of support, or a feeling of being misunderstood. Hatred is a strong word, but many new mothers use this to describe their disappointment with their partner and their new family situation.

It is important to understand early on where these negative emotions come from, including frustration or hatred towards your husband after the birth of your child, and how you can deal with them.

How to take care of relationships and overcome crisis in a relationship after the birth of a child?

Open communication

The first step to overcoming a post-baby marriage crisis is an honest conversation about feelings and concerns. It's worth asking your partner about their needs and fears, how they envision parenthood and the new division of responsibilities. It's also important to share your own feelings, even if they sound uncomfortable—silence always escalates the problem.

Expert advises

The way we talk to each other in a partnership relationship is a process and it is worth making an effort to develop this skill. This is the only way to reach an understanding.

Joanna Pruban

Psychologist, pedagogue and specialist in psycho-oncology, Department of Oncology and Oncological Surgery for Children and Adolescents, Institute of Mother and Child

Fair division of responsibilities

Many conflicts stem from simple fatigue and a sense of injustice . Establish a to-do list together and, if possible, try to share them, but remember to be flexible—after all, every day can bring unexpected challenges. This will make it less likely that your husband will reject you after the baby is born and that you'll feel like "mommy does it all alone."

Nurturing closeness

While the word "hate" toward your husband after the birth of a child may sound shocking, many mothers confirm that resentment stemming from exhaustion can escalate to alarming levels. Therefore, small gestures of affection, such as a walk together or watching a movie , even if the baby is sleeping next to you, can work wonders.

Mutual care eases tensions and reminds us of old feelings.

Joint therapy or expert consultation

Sometimes, a marital crisis after the birth of a child becomes so serious that a simple conversation isn't enough. In such cases, it's worth considering professional help—from a psychologist, couples therapist, or family mediator. A specialist can help you develop effective strategies for coping with challenges and identify behavioral patterns that hinder communication.

The most common concerns and questions parents have when a child is born

• Is this the end of our marriage?
  

  Definitely not. Relationship crisis after the birth of a child and difficulty adapting to a new role are completely normal and quite common, but they don't have to mean the end of the relationship.

• Am I a bad partner if she shows up at my place? hate to your husband after the birth of a child?
  

  These are strong words, but they often best describe how a new mother feels when faced with the accumulation of stress and a sense of disappointment in her partner.

Talk about it openly, and if the problem worsens, don't be afraid to seek professional support.

• How to rebuild closeness when your husband rejects you after the birth of a child?
  

  Start with an honest conversation about each other's needs. Sometimes, small changes to your daily schedule or arranging childcare can restore balance to your relationship.

Crisis in a relationship after the birth of a child - when should you seek specialist help?

Expert advises

Aggressive behavior toward a partner, prolonged lack of communication (so-called silent days), or escalating hatred toward a husband after the birth of a child are signs that the support of a psychotherapist may be necessary. Early consultation with an expert can help alleviate conflict before it escalates into a serious postpartum crisis that threatens the relationship's longevity.

Joanna Pruban

Psychologist, pedagogue and specialist in psycho-oncology, Department of Oncology and Oncological Surgery for Children and Adolescents, Institute of Mother and Child

Relationship and marital crises after the birth of a child are difficult but often temporary stages in a couple's life. It's important not to ignore these disturbing signs and prevent situations in which rejection of the husband after the birth or growing hatred towards the husband after the birth become commonplace.

With the right support, honesty and willingness to look for solutions together, you can rebuild your relationship and enjoy your new family life.

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Bibliography:

1. Dankiewicz M., Pieniążek S., The sense of happiness and meaning in life of parents of children in early and middle childhood – a review of research, Studia Psychologica XI (2018), ISSN 2084-5596, DOI 10.24917/20845596.11.3 (accessed on 15.01.2025): https://cejsh.icm.edu.pl/cejsh/element/bwmeta1.element.ojs-doi-10_24917_20845596_11_3/c/7068-6515.pdf
2. Marianna Dąbrowska-Wnuk (2018), Transition to parenthood as a developmental crisis in the family life cycle, pp. 15-34 [in]: Where Are We Going? Supporting Human Development in Family, Education and Business, Poznań School of Banking, Branch in Chorzów, (accessed on 15.01.2025): http://62.3.168.81/Content/1600/PDF/Sadowska_%20Wiśniak_%20Łukasiewicz_Dokąd_zmierzamy.pdf#page=15
3. Shapiro, A. F., Gottman, J. M., & Carrère, S. (2000). The Baby and the Marriage: Identifying Factors that Buffer Against Decline in Marital Satisfaction after the First Baby Arrives. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 59-70.
4. Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). The Effect of the Transition to Parenthood on Relationship Quality: An Eight-Year Prospective Study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(3), 601-619.

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Joanna Pruban

Psychologist, pedagogue and specialist in psycho-oncology, Department of Oncology and Oncological Surgery for Children and Adolescents, Institute of Mother and Child