How to teach a child to fall asleep independently?

According to some people, if the baby does not "start" to sleep "well" in due course of time, it is certain that it will never happen again. Often, parents who experience severe lack of sleep due to sharing the bed with their constantly awakening child receive a lot of advice on how to act so that the child sleeps peacefully and most importantly - independently for several hours without breaks. This message frustrates many adults who wonder how to teach a child to fall asleep on their own - regardless of their age. If you are also faced with a similar problem, we invite you to read. 

Learning to fall asleep independently and reality

During the first years of a child's life, the parents ask themselves many questions about whether they are making any "mistakes" and or learning to fall asleep independently in their home it runs "properly". Cultural pressure that determines arbitrary norms for the length of sleep or ways of putting children to sleep, e.g. avoiding the baby falling asleep at the breast, trouble with sleeping all night, or avoiding sleeping with parents is becoming a cause for concern for many parents of young children today.

It is worth analyzing whether we correctly understand the question of how teach a child to fall asleep independently? Is it even possible, and if so, how to teach an infant to fall asleep independently? As parents, what behavior - learning to fall asleep independently - could be "abnormal" or even harmful to our children's sleep?

Babies falling asleep on their own: proper practice or myth?

Therefore, in the context of understanding the question of how to teach an infant to fall asleep independently during the day or at night, we should find out what happens to the child who is looking for parental closeness when falling asleep. How to properly show this closeness so that also the needs of the parent (e.g. intimacy with a partner) can be satisfied?

Infants falling asleep on their own: cultural aspects

In the book Wise parents, Professor Margot Sunderland (1) emphasizes that "numerous scientific studies show that sleeping with parents can be a real investment in the future emotional and physical health of a child ". The author presents the cultural aspects of sharing a bed or a room by a parent with a child, pointing out that, for example, in China, sleeping with a child is generally practiced, which helps to prevent sudden cot death, and in Hong Kong, due to the high population density, all children sleep with their parents.

Sleep patterns: Guatemala and America

A 1992 study (2) focused on sleep patterns among American and Guatemalan mothers.

It has been proved that among the first group of mothers, none of the surveyed women slept in the same bed with a child over six months of age, and among the second group, they co-slept with babies, while ... fathers slept with children around the age of two.

American mothers believed that a six-month-old child should learn to be independent, so they moved it to their own room while they slept. Guatemalan mothers expressed their belief that sleeping a parent, even with an older child, is a value for the whole family. All because the parent, being close to the child, is easily accessible to him from the first moment after waking up.

As we can see, beliefs about proper practices related to learning to fall asleep independently are related to the cultural requirements present in a given environment.

Sleep practices in Egypt

Meanwhile, in a 2013 study (3), scientists analyzing sleep practices in Egypt among children aged three and older proved that sleeping in the same bed of parents with a child ensures regular and less interrupted sleep of the child.

Self-falling asleep training methods: possible dangers

“Leave the child alone to cry a little. After that he will fall asleep himself "; “Don't look to a child who's left alone in the room. If he cries, he will stop after a while and learn to calm down on his own ”; "Reward your child with a sticker for sleeping alone." We could list "valuable advice" that can deliver the results you want in the short term but effectively. However, should such principles be followed by parents who want to build a relationship with their child based on mutual respect? Certainly not. Each of the cited advice is based on the principle of subordination to the parent.

Calming down on your own and, consequently, falling asleep is not a skill that can be taught. It is related to physical development that takes time. An infant or a three-year-old who, after the training in falling asleep alone, will not learn how to calm down on his own, will learn a simple message: "the parent will not come anyway, even when I express my needs". This wording sounds cruel, but unfortunately what sleep self-training training offers does harm to children.

Sleep Self-Sleep Workouts: Disadvantages

• The "cry" method does not teach the child that he or she can believe that the parent will respond, not only for his physical needs (related to the duration of sleep), but also emotional (related to closeness on a mental level). Controlled crying can be confusing for babies.
• Ideas for training watches, which shine with a changing color informing about the point at which the child should be currently in the falling asleep scenario, it will not make him aware that his needs “should” wait until he lights up in a different color.
• Rewarding and praising the child for sleeping, can contribute to the child's learning according to the wishes of the parents suppressing your needs and hiding your true feelingsbecause the child suppresses, for example, the fear of sleeping alone in a dark room only to be rewarded.

Colorful dreams: a dream as an introduction to independence?

After analyzing the known parenting practices associated with learning to fall asleep independently, it is worth establishing some facts. Scientific evidence shows that sleeping with your baby in the same room (or even sharing a bed) for the first five years of his or her life appears to be beneficial for a baby's development. So there is no cause for concern when learning how to fall asleep independently in a 3-year-old child does not go as expected and the child does not want to fall asleep alone in his room. However, when the parent feels the need to sleep separately, it is worth considering how to respect the child's needs as well.

There are no simple solutions to make babies sleep all night or make it easier to fall asleep on their own. We can distinguish several strategies. It should be noted, however, that these are gentle techniques that require a certain time to be effective. Remember that we will not teach or train a child to be independent, only by putting him to sleep in his room.

Cot-rollaway bed

At the beginning, to build proper habits related to physical space - a cot is a good idea. It provides not only a comfortable sleep in proximity
with the child, but it is also a guarantee of safety rules. If we have a newborn at home, but also an older child wants to sleep with us, we can also offer him sleeping together in an extra bed.

Baby cot in the parents' bedroom

The next step is to place the baby's cot in the parents' bedroom. It seems like a good time to transfer your baby to a separate crib at around six to eight months of age. Later, in times of separation anxiety, it may become more difficult. An additional benefit is that the toddler can get used to his own bed, and when it is time to sleep in his own room, the child will already know his place of falling asleep. Thanks to this, moving to another room will not be a big change.

Building associations with falling asleep

It is also important to help the child develop associations and expectations (rituals) regarding falling asleep. In this way, the child gains a sense of security and predictability of the environment.

Pay attention to recognizing the physical signs of fatigue in your child, and propose rituals at these times to help your child concentrate on calming down and going into a state of rest. An example of this is a soothing massage, reading a book or soothing sounds, such as the sound of white noise or listening to the parent's heartbeat being hugged by the child.

Peaceful sleep of the parent is the restful sleep of the child

It is impossible to list all the examples of activities that work each time, which can help the child fall asleep and guarantee a good night's sleep. We do not have to follow all of the strategies listed. It is worth choosing the ones that suit us and our family best.

The most important thing here is to build our expectations, as parents, of a child's sleep. Let us reflect on the values ​​that we want to convey to the child by accompanying him in everyday activities, which include sleep.

Footnotes:

(1) Margot Sunderland, "Wise Parents," trans. A. Wyszogrodzka-Gaik, Warsaw, 2008;
(2) Morelli GA, Rogoff B., Oppenheim D., Goldsmith D., Cultural variation in infants' sleeping arrangements: questions of independence, [in:] “Developmental Psychology”, 28 (1992), pp. 604-613;
(3) Worthman CM, Brown RA, Sleep budgets in a globalizing world: biocultural interactions influence sleep sufficiency among Egyptian families, [in:] "Sleep Medicine", 11 (4, 2010), pp. 393-399.

Źródła:

Sarah Ockwell-Smith, Restful Sleep. A guide for parents of infants and young children, Wyd. Agora, 2018.