Guardian of the blocks and shovels? Why your child doesn't want to share - and how to understand them.

These were supposed to be peaceful moments on the playground: sand underfoot, children in a happy whirlwind of play, until suddenly – like a bolt from a cloudless sky – your child's voice interrupts the idyll: "Don't touch it! Leave it! It's mine!". Everyone's gazes focus on you, someone comments in a hushed voice: "Shame, so big and can't share...". Do you know this scenario all too well and do you get the impression that your little one treats every stick as their treasure, with no intention of sharing it? 

In this article, we explain why a child does not want to share and we suggest how to wisely, without pressure or shouting, support the development of this important but difficult skill for a toddler - how to teach a child to share toys.

Why Doesn't a Child Want to Share? Learn about the developmental roots of childhood possessiveness.

In the first 3-4 years of life, a child's world naturally revolves around himself, and the concept of ownership is only just forming.

The child does not want to share? This stage often coincides with development leaps and building autonomy. The toddler discovers his/her individuality and desires to have control over the environment. Owning objects and deciding what to do with them gives the child a sense of agency and security in a world that is still new to him and not fully understood.

The child does not want to share toys: when "sharing" has a completely different meaning for a child

For adults, sharing is an expression of empathy and concern for others. For a small child? It's an often incomprehensible idea that something they're currently holding could suddenly go to someone else. The child does not want to share toys, because the words "share a toy" often come across as very final: "TheI will give someone a toy forever, I will never get it back, and I want to play with it so much". Another, yet logical concept may also appear in the toddler's head: ,,How can I share a car when there is only one?? ". 

Difficulty sharing is not a parenting problem – it is a development in practice

Going through a phase of intense possessiveness is completely a normal stage in a child's development. Most toddlers go through a period where they are reluctant to share their things, and that doesn't mean they are selfish or poorly behaved. This possessiveness and reluctance to share is a natural part of the process of learning about the world, building self-esteem and autonomy.

How to teach your child to share toys, so that it becomes his choice and not an obligation?

Of course, it is possible and worth teaching a child to share, but how we do it is crucial. If you are wondering how to teach a child to share toys, start by creating a space where they feel safe and understand what sharing really means.

Instead of pressure and shaming – calm conversation, empathetic naming of emotions and your own example. It is in such moments that the willingness to share is born, which comes from the relationship, from understanding the situation, not from coercion. Some things cannot be rushed, and the cognitive and social development of a toddler is process.

Instead of shaming – support, model, talk

We should not force a child to share immediately. When we force a child to share “because they are big” or embarrass them in front of others, we teach them one thing: that Sharing causes stress, anger, shame, a sense of injustice, not kindness. But that's not what we're about. Instead, ask yourself: how to teach a child to share toys so that they do it of their own free will and not out of guilt?

Let's model generosity and sharing in our daily lives - a child learns by observation, so let's show him how we share with others, how we help and how we respond to the needs of others with empathy, let's talk about situations from our lives in which it was necessary to share food, clothes, or some other thing.

Jak we want teach your child to share, it's worth explaining to him the benefits of sharing, but in a way that is appropriate to his age. We can talk about how much fun it is to play together, how sharing brings joy to others, and how others might want to share something with us in the future.

How to Help Your Child Share Toys and how to help yourself with social pressure?

Fear of being judged by other parents and the fear that our “non-sharing” child will be rejected by his/her peers are natural… but remember that most parents go through the same thing.

Let's explain to other parents that our child is still small and learning to divide. Often, just calmly explaining the situation can relieve us of the tension and "relax" the atmosphere on the playground.

The child does not want to share — what if he grows up to be an egotistical "selfish person"?

As for concerns about future social relationships, learning to share is a long-term process. The fact that a child does not want to share toys should not make us fear for his future, because possessiveness is a completely natural stage that every child goes through to a greater or lesser extent. It does not indicate a lack of empathy or a difficult character, because sharing is not an innate trait, but a skill that develops slowly – with experience, age and emotional maturity. Our role as parents is to wisely support our toddler in developing empathy and social skills, and sharing is just one piece of the puzzle.

How to Teach Your Child to Share Toys: practical tips

Here's how to support your child in sharing in everyday situations, such as on the playground:

• Do not force your child to give up the toy immediately. If your child is playing with something and another child wants to play with it, you can say, "I see my son Michael is playing with this now. When he's done, maybe you can try it?"
• Introduce the concept of "in a moment." When the child doesn't want to share, you can say: "Play a little longer, and in a moment we can let a new friend who also wants to play with this car play with it."
• Have some “toys to share.” When going to the playground, take a few things that your toddler is not so emotionally attached to – for example, a spare set of molds, an old shovel, or a less-liked ball.
• Describe the situation without judgment. When the child does not want to share toys and a conflict occurs, try to describe what you see: "I noticed that you both want to play with the same shovel. Do you think we can figure out a way to use it together/play together?" 
• Intervene calmly when strong emotions arise. When a child reacts violently – snatches objects from others, shouts, pushes – react calmly but firmly, name the emotions and show that you are there: "I see you are upset because your friend took a shovel. I will help you solve this."

If necessary, withdraw with your child to a quieter place so that they can calm down and do not harm others in their strong emotions.

• Discuss difficulties in advance. When you go to the park and your child is calm, fed and in a good mood, before you leave the house, talk to him about what will happen: "There will probably be other children in the park, maybe you want to play with the same toys in the sandbox: what can we do in such a situation, do you have any ideas?" 

Your child doesn't want to share toys, when guests come over? Calm down – it’s not about lack of upbringing, it’s about emotions.

• Prepare your child for the visit. You can talk to him in advance about the fact that guests will come with children and will play together.
• Give your child a sense of control. Ask which toys they would like to hide away during the visit and which ones can be accessed by guests. This will increase their sense of security and reduce their fear of losing all their stuff.
• Don't expect your child to share absolutely all of their toys. It's his space and his stuff.
• Model positive interactions. Support your children in building relationships and inviting them to play together, but don’t insist that they necessarily share a specific toy. When tensions arise, instead of judging, help your little ones find a solution that works for both parties, and as your children get older, encourage them to try to solve the problem on their own first (step in only if the dispute escalates).

Excessive parental care can hinder the development of important child competences: you can read more about the so-called helicopter parenting in this article.

• In case of conflict, help find a solution. You can suggest taking turns or finding another toy that you both want to play with together.

Remember the value of children being together, spending time together and learning to interact with each other. The meaning of the meeting is above all the relationship between children, not just sharing and playing with specific toys — avoiding focusing on negative aspects (when a child does not want to share toys) and appreciating good moments of fun will help you derive more enjoyment from social gatherings.

Summary: Your child doesn't want to share? Your support will do more than you think!

For a small child, sharing is not an obvious thing, but a new skill – one that matures slowly, like everything important in life. 

A child learns to relate to others in small steps throughout the years of its development, and Your patience and presence is the best guide for him on this path.