Are there no naughty children? See what's really behind challenging behavior and learn how to deal with a naughty child.
"My child is naughty" – do you sometimes think that when your little one screams, doesn't listen, refuses to cooperate, or doesn't let you do anything, demanding constant attention? Or maybe you hear from others that you have naughty child and you feel helpless because deep down you know they're not doing it "out of spite"? In this article, we'll offer you a different perspective: there are no naughty children—only those who, at a given moment, may need your support in dealing with tension, emotions, and stress.
We will also answer the most frequently asked questions from parents:How to react, what is the how to deal with a naughty child? " and how to support children in learning self-regulation at every stage of development.
Naughty child or overloaded nervous system?
When the child does not listen, opposes, hits or throws objects, many people instinctively reach for the term: naughty childBut what does "naughty" really mean? More and more psychologists and educators emphasize: there are no naughty children, there are only those who have difficulty coping with emotions and tension – i.e. with self-regulation.
According to Dr. S. Shanker, creator of the Self-Reg method, behaviors that adults label as "naughty" are actually signals of nervous system overload. A child experiences overstimulation and is unable to self-regulate.
5 areas where "naughty" people most often experience excess stress and tension
- Biological area: Overload in the so-called naughty dzieci may result from physiological or sensory factors, such as:
- inappropriate diet (including hunger),
- insufficient sleep or exercise,
- noise,
- too many visual, tactile and olfactory stimuli.
You think to yourself:my child is naughty"? Or maybe he's acting this way because is hungry and/or tired, has eaten too many sweets and is having trouble managing his/her excitement?
- Emotional area: Overload refers to difficulty coping with intense feelings, such as anger, anxiety, disappointment, and sadness. Children, especially younger ones, don't immediately develop the ability to manage their emotions – they learn this as they develop, with the support of adults.
- Cognitive area: When a child receives too much information at once, the pace is too fast (or too slow), or the tasks are too difficult and abstract, cognitive overload occurs. The result? Difficulty concentrating, distraction, frustration, problems switching between tasks, decreased motivation. Then the parent may get the impression that he or she is dealing with a naughty childwho doesn't want to learn —the child won't let me do anythingI have to sit with him, otherwise he won't do his homework".
- Social area: Social overload results from difficult interpersonal situations, such as a change of environment (e.g. kindergarten, school), conflicts with peers, being excluded from a group, tensions at home.
- Pro-social area: It involves experiencing conflicting emotions between one's own needs and the expectations of those around them. Children in this case may experience, among other things, pressure, fear of judgment from others, and guilt.
Often the source of stress/overload are situations prolonged in time (e.g. parents' divorce, difficulties in peer relationships), but also momentary, excessive intensity of stimuli, such as noise. What is a stressor for one child may be indifferent to another – that is why an individual approach to the so-called naughty children.
What is self-regulation in the context of "naughty" children?
When the child is experiencing overload, often not in one, but simultaneously in several of the areas described above, behaves in a way that adults can interpret: my child is naughty". Self-regulation according to Dr. S. Shanker, the ability to recognize one's own emotional and physiological states, reduce tension, regain calm and react appropriately to the situation.
There are no naughty children - there are those who have not yet fully developed this crucial skill, which is why their reactions can be violent, impulsive or seemingly "inappropriate".
Expert advises
Another valuable voice in the discussion on the concept of self-regulation was made by Arnold Sameroff. The self-regulation theory researcher argued that “regulation” always takes place within the framework of regulation with the participation of othersSameroff conceptualized self-regulation within the transactional theory of human development, emphasizing that a child's self-regulation process always emerges as a result of regulation with the participation of others. This theory emphasizes the importance of supporting a child as they develop their emotional regulation processes.
Self-regulation = self-control?
Many adults are looking how to deal with a naughty child, but the answer is not punishment or suppression of emotions, but supporting the development of self-regulationAnd self-regulation is not the same as self-control. Roy Baumeister has written extensively on this topic.
Self-control involves suppressing impulses, which is often associated with tension and is very taxing. Self-regulation reduces stress at the source – by recognizing its causes and taking appropriate actions to restore peace.
Well-developed self-regulation is the foundation of mental health, academic success, and social relationships. Its development is a long-term process, but it's worth every effort.
Stages of Self-Regulation Development in Dr. S. Shanker's Theory: From Infant to Teen
Baby and toddler (0–3 years)
In the first years of a child's life does not regulate itself – an adult does it for them. Crying, discomfort during teething, frustration because a piece doesn't fit the puzzle? The parent cuddles, rocks, and sings. The child then learns that tension can be released within relationships, absorbing the emotion-regulation methods used by those closest to them like a sponge.
Preschool age — My child is naughty, he doesn't let me do anything!
The toddler is starting recognize emotions and use early strategies – for example, he runs into a corner, hits, moves away, shouts. Often still acts impulsivelyThis is the age when many parents say, "My child is naughty, he doesn't let me do anything at home, they're disruptive, demand attention, and throw tantrums. Meanwhile, a toddler simply doesn't know any better yet – the part of their brain responsible for logical thinking can be "switched off" at a given moment due to strong arousal, excessive stimuli, or fatigue.
A "naughty" school-age child
The nervous system matures, and with it – the skills of cognitive self-regulation. The child is becoming better at planning, focusing (attention), and is more able to cope with frustration and other strong emotions. - as long as it has support for caregivers and good conditions for the development of emotional maturity.
My child is naughty — teenager and self-regulation
Puberty is the period of a key stage for the development of advanced skills, especially intentional self-regulation, which allows for conscious action to find a balance between one's own goals and the demands of the environment. The teenage years are also a time of intense stress (identity crisis, conflicts with parents, educational difficulties), and therefore a constant risk of overloading the nervous system. At this age, conscious self-regulation is an essential skill that protects against risky behaviors such as addictions or self-harm.
Ways to deal with a "naughty" child: support in learning self-regulation
Instead of labeling like:My child is naughty, he won't let me do anything!” and searching ways to deal with a naughty child such as disciplining and punishing, the key is to understand and support children in learning to self-regulate.
🔹 Read the signals and reframe your thinking – there are no naughty children!
Instead of perceiving difficult behaviors in children as "naughty," see them as a sign of stress overload. Anger, crying, or aggression aren't malicious, but rather a result of excessive stress. Try thinking, "they're overwhelmed, they need my help"—this is a huge shift in how you perceive your child.
🔹 Identify stressors
Ask yourself, “Why is my child stressed/overstimulated right now?” Look at the five areas of stress, remembering that not all stressors affect every child the same way. Ways to rude childBe a "stress detective" by observing conditions and situations in which your child experiences excessive stress.
Example: Rude child ma difficulty concentrating at schoolConsider, for example: Does your child get enough sleep? Is their diet adequate? Is they overstimulated by screens? (Biological). Does they have problems with peers? (Social).
🔹 Reduce stress instead of ignoring it
Once you identify stressors, try to reduce their intensity or eliminate them from your child's environment. If that's not possible, help your child reduce their impact. If you're looking for ways to rude child, remember that you, as a caregiver, should reduce your own tension and enter into the relationship with the child with as much calm as possible - your calmness is "contagious".
🔹 Ways to deal with a naughty child? Help him build self-awareness!
Help your child name emotions and what is happening in their body. There are no naughty children be an accepting and kind guide in this process, also talk about your own emotional states and well-being, especially in difficult and demanding moments.
🔹 Ways to deal with naughty children: help your child build their self-regulation strategy
Together develop strategieswhich will help your child reduce tension and regain energy (ways to deal with a "naughty" child). They should be individual and tailored to the child's needs, e.g., a few deep breaths, going for a bike ride (exercise), or even "something to hold" like a squishy toy or stress beads.
Adults can be "naughty" too
Finally, it is worth remembering: children learn self-regulation from usIf we ourselves cannot cope with stress, emotions, and overstimulation, our children will also have difficulty doing so.
Expert advises
Instead of saying, "My child is naughty, he won't let me do anything!", let's ask ourselves: Am I present today? Am I emotionally available? Are my negative emotions the fault of the naughty child, or is it I, the parent, who can't cope with their emotions? The most important way to deal with a naughty child is to develop a close relationship and give your child accepting attention.
Summary: There are no naughty children - adequate support is the key to learning self-regulation
This is an important shift in thinking. "A naughty child" is most often a child overloaded and lostwho needs help, not punishment. How to deal with a naughty child it is not about introducing more rules or sanctions – but about building relationships and supporting the child in developing their own self-regulation strategies.
The better we – as parents – understand what self-regulation is, the better we will help our children cope with emotions, stress, and the demands of everyday life. Because there are no naughty children - there are only those who try to tell us that they need support.
Bibliography:
Stuart Shanker, “Self-Reg”, Mamania Publishing House, 2016
Sameroff Arnold (Ed.) “The Transactional Model of Development: How Children and Contexts Shape Each Other.” Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2009.
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